I love your stupidity
by let-them-say-what-they-will
Summary: Tegan is worried about Sara. Lately Sara started to lose weight, and closed herself to her sister. But Tegan wants to help her.


**A/N**  
_Some random one shots and dabbles._  
_This is the first... It kinda sweet and fluffy... I was in the mood :P_

**I love your stupidity.**

They were staying home. Their mom was out to see Bruce, and they had the house for them. They talked about inviting some friends or go out to do something, but Sara wasn't in the mood. Normally Tegan would be gone out on her own, but lately Sara seemed a little strange. She had lost weight and that bothered Tegan. Sara was perfect, with a perfect body, so she was either sick or something was hurting or bothering her.  
Sara told her to go out if she wanted to, but Tegan said to her that she didn't want to leave her alone. For an instant, Tegan saw something in Sara's eyes. Was she happy to have her at home? Anxious? It lasted just a moment, leaving Tegan confused.  
It was so strange to see her that way. Sara was the one who always managed to hide her feelings. But now she looks so weak in her body, that her mind was falling as well. That was hurting Tegan in different ways. She felt hurt because she really loved her sister, and to see her like that was breaking her heart. But also she felt hurt because Sara was closing her off. They shared almost every secret but lately, Sara closed her doors to Tegan. She was left out from Sara's heart and that was so upsetting. Tegan thought maybe she had done something wrong, but she couldn't think of anything. Sara simply closed herself to Tegan without a reason. And every time Tegan tried to talk with her sister, when she asked for something a little more personal, Sara cut off the conversation.  
But tonight they were at home alone, and Tegan would try again to find her way through the walls Sara had built.

"How about Pizza and movies?" Tegan shouted to her sister, that was upstairs.  
"That would be great," her sister answered, coming down.  
"Perfect," Tegan said. When she saw her sister she smiled at her.

Tegan was happy because lately, she saw rarely her sister eat something. In the last few days, she barely touched her food before disappear into her room. Tegan knew that her mother was concerned too, but they hadn't talked about it. Sara was very skinny, and she thought that was a shame, because with some more meat in the right places, she would be fantastic, like she was not so long ago. Not that she wasn't beautiful, her face, her jawline, everything in her was perfect. It was just that she looked a little unhealthy right now. A couple of months ago, Sara's figure was absolutely breathtaking, even for Tegan. Tegan would try every thing to fix the situation, to help Sara with whatever she was going through.

Sara dived herself into the couch, leaving space for Tegan. Tegan took the phone to order and few minutes later was near Sara. They were watching TV waiting for the delivery. Tegan was near the armrest of the couch and Sara was at the other end. Her legs were between them. Sara was shifting uncomfortably, her toes poking Tegan.

"Hey, why don't you lie down? At least tomorrow I'll not have bruises," Tegan said, trying not to sound annoyed.  
"I'm sorry," Sara said, and her eyes were sad. Tegan looked at her concerned. How could a little thing like that make her so sad? Tegan was confused, so she tried to cheer the atmosphere up. She took Sara's toes and pulled. Sara slid on the fabric, and they both laughed. Tegan faked a disgusted face.  
"My God, Sara. Please turn, I don't want to pass out in the middle of the movie. Your feet are weapons of mass destruction," she said laughing.

Sara gave her a middle finger, smiling, and then did as asked. She put her head on Tegan's legs and curled up in the fetal position. Sara placed one of her hands on Tegan's legs. After a couple of minutes, Sara started absentmindedly to draw random figures on Tegan's legs. Tegan was wearing short pants as pajamas, so her sister's hand was touching her skin directly. The contact made her shiver a little, and she thought that maybe Sara sensed that because a moment later she withdrew her hand from her leg. Sara give a sigh, and her breath caressed Tegan's legs giving her goosebumps. Sara looked at her for a moment, her eyes were silently asking if she had to get up. Tegan smiled at her shaking her head.

Tegan was fighting with the sensations her sister breath on her legs were giving to her. They were... strange feelings. After a couple of minutes she looked down at her sister. Her eyes were closed, and Tegan asked herself if she were sleeping or not. She moved her hand in Sara's hair, she traced her hairline capturing a lock of hair on the way, and locking it behind her ear. She stopped her hand under Sara ear for a second, contemplating Sara's perfect jawline. Tegan always admired that perfect structure. She let herself trace that beautiful line with the lightest touch she could manage. The doorbell made her jump. Her sister rose abruptly.

"Oh Jesus, I'm sorry Sara, I've hit you? Are you ok?" Tegan asked concerned. But she was trying to fill the air with something other than her own embarrassment for the way she was touching her sister.  
"No, no. It's just... you scared me," Sara said smiling at her.

Tegan went to the door. When she went back to the living room, she saw her sister tracing her own jawline with dreaming eyes. Tegan's heart jumped in her chest. She cleared his throat, and Sara was back on Earth, blushing. That made Tegan smile. Sara was so cute with that hint of color on her cheeks.  
They sat again on the couch, one next to the other. They started to eat, watching tv. Sometimes Tegan looked at her sister to see if she were eating. Sara was at her second slice when she heard a giggle form her side.

"What?" she asked to her sister.  
"You have pizza on your face, near your mouth," Tegan said laughing.

Sara tried to clean herself with her tongue making Tegan laugh even more. She shocked her head.

"Where?" Sara asked. But the answer never came. Her sister reached out her hand and cleaned her sister face with her thumb. Sara froze at her touch, her sister hand brushed her lips in the motion. Sara's cheeks were red, and Tegan laughed again. Then she sucked her thumb in her mouth. Sara was even redder. She shook from her state.

"Bleah, that gross," Sara said. But deep inside she was thinking about how a gesture like that was sexy if came from her sister.  
"Hey, it's not like you have Ebola or plague, right?" Tegan said laughing.  
"Oh yeah, Ebola, I didn't tell you?" now she was laughing with her sister.

When Sara was about to take another bite from her slice, Tegan jumped on her taking her wrist, trying to bite Sara's pizza. Sara was taken back by the gesture, and by the fact that for a moment her sister lips were almost on hers.

"Jesus Christ, Tegan, what the hell?" she exploded. Her heart was racing in her chest. She was scared and tense. She was screaming at her sister, to hide her feelings.

She rose from the couch, looking angrily at her sister when the truth was that she was angry with herself. And now, looking at her sister, she felt even guilty. There was surprise and a hint of sadness in Tegan's eyes. She took her pizza and threw it into the trash, then went upstairs. As soon as she was in her room, she started to cry.

Tegan was shocked. The evening was going great. Her sister was eating and she felt close to her again. And then she exploded like that for a stupid joke. She didn't know what to think, or what to do. Maybe was all her fault. After about ten minutes, she decided to go to talk to her sister.  
Sara heard a soft knock on the door.

"Sara?" Tegan voice came out softly.  
"What?" she said roughly.  
"Sara please..." Tegan pleaded.

Sara went to the door and opened it, turning to go on her bed again.  
Tegan reached her and sat near Sara on the bed.

"Sar... I'm really sorry," Tegan began, but it was like her sister wasn't really listening to her. She put a hand on Sara's arm to draw her attention.  
"Sara... are you ok?" she asked to Sara, whom eyes were still a little red.  
"Yeah, I'm fine," she said, looking away again.  
"Sara you know that you can talk to me if you need, right?" Tegan tried.  
"I said that I'm fine," she said again, this time looking firmly into Tegan eyes. That look told Tegan to stop that.  
"Ok, I didn't mean to upset you," she said to her sister, and in Tegan's eyes, Sara saw that she was telling the truth, but she saw that she was hurt too.  
"So... our movie?" Tegan purposely changed the subject. She gave her sister a big smile  
"I'm not in the mood Tegan," Sara answered. Tegan smile faded away.  
"Ok," she said coldly.

Tegan went downstairs again. She thought about call some friend and go out. But she didn't want to leave her sister right now even if she were pissed of and hurt.  
She sat on the couch again and start to watch a movie on TV. About 15 minutes later, Tegan heard footsteps approaching. Few seconds later her sister sat next to her. Sara leaned her head on Tegan shoulder.

"I'm sorry Tee," she said, sadness in her voice.  
"It's ok, I just want you to know that I'm here," Tegan said to her sister sweetly.  
"I know," was the only answer that came from her sister.

Tegan turned her head to kiss her sister on the head. They watched at the TV for a while, laughing and having fun like nothing as happened. Suddenly, the images of two girl kissing showed on the screen, and Sara shifted uncomfortably on the couch.  
Tegan noted her sister movements in her peripheral vision. Her mind started to run. _Is she gay?_ She thought about all the time she saw her sister act strangely around girls. She thought about her new attitude. _Is this her problem?_ She asked to herself. She thought that maybe if she said something, she could ease the pressure on her sister. _And if I make it worse?_ There was the chance. But maybe it could help her, to know that I know and I'm ok with it.

"I know," Tegan said awkwardly, without looking at her sister.  
"What?" Sara asked, surprised.  
"I know about you, and... it's ok," she said looking at her sister this time.

Sara was completely shocked. She thought for a moment that Tegan knew about her feelings for her, and that she was ok with it, made her heart stop.

"Why didn't you tell me that you are gay?" Tegan said.

Sara's heart drop to her feet. How could she had thought that her sister was ok with her feelings? She felt so stupid for have setting her hopes that high. She started to shake and cry uncontrollably. Tegan was taken back from the break down of her sister. Tegan hugged her tightly.

"Hey... hey it's ok. Don't cry. You know I will always love you, no matter what," she said, placing a soft kiss on Sara's forehead.

Sara was so desperate. For a moment she felt all the weight of her feelings vanish, just to feel it fall on her again, suffocating her. She was ready to die, or to tell to her sister. She hadn't the strength to hide it anymore. All of that was killing her. She freed herself from Tegan's hug.

"There is something I have to tell you," Sara started, her eyes full of fear.  
"Something ELSE?" Tegan said, trying to ease the tension.  
"Tegan, please..." Sara sounded desperate. Another wrong word and she was ready to give up and just wait to die.  
"Sorry," Tegan said, seriously.  
"Tegan... I am... I fell in love..." she was trying to talk but the words didn't want to come out from her mouth. She looked down. When the silence became too hard to handle, Tegan tried to talk.  
"That's awesome... who is the lucky girl who won the love of my beautiful sister?" Tegan said, smiling.  
"I can't... I can't tell you that," Sara said, looking down ashamed.  
"Why not?" Tegan asked...

Sara looked at her sister again, locking their eyes. She was trying so hard to speak. To let out the name she was keeping locked into her heart. The name that she let escape only from her lips into the darkness of her room, at least, with that meaning. But it was impossible for her. Tears started to fall from her eyes again, silently.

Tegan smile faded. It broke her heart to see her sister like that. She reached out her hand, and with her thumb wiped the tears away. She was withdrawing her hand when Sara put her one on it. She softly moved her face into Tegan's palm, closing her eyes. Sara's breath was short when she turned her head to kiss her sister palm. She opened her eyes again, to look into her sister eye's again. She let go Tegan's hand, but her sister didn't withdraw it.

Tegan felt overwhelmed for a moment. The truth hit hard into her guts. _It's me... she loves __**me**_. Her heart was beating so fast that she was afraid he could escape from her chest. Her mind was running too. Images of her sister were passing before her eyes. All the time she pushed her away, all the time she turned her back to her... it was because she was afraid of her reaction, she was afraid to lose her. And then she thought about all the time she found herself thinking about her sister beauty, all the time she found herself staring at her. Tegan let her hand slip to the back of Sara's neck to pull her in. It was all painfully slow. Their eyes never lost connection till their lips were just inches away. When their lips met, the sparkle lit the fire that had always been there, waiting. Tegan broke the kiss. She looked into her sister eyes before rushing to her room, upstairs.

Tegan never felt so confused. Her sister was in love with her. And she kissed her. She wanted so bad to do that. But she was so scared. When their lips met, she felt something she didn't ever felt before. Her heart stopped into her chest and the only thing in the world she could feel, was the softness of her sister lips. But the truth was that her sister loved her from she didn't even know how long, and she was discovering her feelings now. She wasn't sure to be the right girl for her sister. She was the cause of her pain and that hurt her. But she was afraid to hurt her again without even know.

Sara was paralyzed. She didn't turn her head when her sister rushed out of the room, leaving her there. Her eyes were empty. Her mind went blank. She didn't know how much time she stood there like that. It could be hours, days, years... she didn't know. And then, all her thoughts and feelings came back, clashing with force, like the waves of the stormy sea hitting the cliff. Her heart stopped for a moment, before drop down. She went toward her room, her step unsteady. She looked at the door of her sister's room. Her eyes watered. And then she cried, exhaling the most heartbreaking sound a human ear could hear. She felt dead inside. She had lost Tegan.

Tegan heard her sister cry, Sara let out a sound that Tegan never thought a human being could produce. Her heart stopped in her chest, and the air was sucked out of her lungs, leaving her gasping. She was unable to move, to make a sound. She felt like an assassin. She had just killed her sister. She felt dead inside. She had lost Sara.

Tegan didn't know how much time had passed, she didn't know what she was about to do, or to say. The only thing she knew was that she needed to see her sister. She needed to talk with her. She needed to fix things. She didn't know how to do that, but she knew she had to try. Because maybe were passed just few seconds, but that was enough time for her to realize that she couldn't live without her sister, that her life was empty without her, that she was the meaning of her life.  
She rose from her bed and went to Sara's room. She knocked shyly on the door.

"Sara... may I come in?... Please," she asked, and her voice sounded broken.  
"Yes..." her sister voice came from behind the door. Her voice was raspy and low.  
"I'm sorry... did I wake you?" Tegan asked in a soft voice, the guilt she felt reflected into her voice.  
"No..." Sara said, without adding nothing.

Tegan's heart ached at the lack of words from her sister. But what she could expect? She had just ripped out her heart and she knew that. But she was going to make it right again. She took a few steps into the room, closing the door behind her. She reached Sara's bed. She was lying there, giving her back to Tegan. There was enough room for Tegan to lie near her. She sat on the bed and waited for a second to her sister reaction. When she saw that her sister wasn't pushing her away, she lay near her. She curled up to her sister back. She was afraid of her sister reaction, she knew she didn't like those things. And she was afraid that her sister wasn't reacting, not because she wanted her that close, but because she was so dry and empty and emotionless that she didn't care anymore. The thought made her heart stop for a second. Tegan put a hand on her sister side.

"Sara... I'm so sorry," she said to her.  
"Why?" her sister asked back, her voice was so neutral that Tegan shivered. There was nothing left into Sara.  
"I should not have..." she started, but her sister finished for her.  
"Kiss me? No you shouldn't," she said, now her voice was interrupted by soft sobs.  
"It's not what I was saying..." she said, trying to be calm, but her sister body trembling under her hand was making her cry too. "I shouldn't have run away... leaving you alone," she said.  
"I'm so sorry," Tegan said after a minute of silence.  
"I don't want you to be sorry," her sister said, she was crying openly now. Tegan tightened her hold on her sister.  
"I don't want you to be sad or scared because of my feeling," she said, trying to breathe normally.  
"I can pretend that this never happened, I can pretend I don't feel what I feel... I did it for a long time..." she said. Tegan was now crying silently, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.  
"I don't want you to do anything... I know you couldn't ever love me, I don't want to force you to love me... if you want, I could never touch you again..." Sara said between sobs, her lungs were failing her.  
"But please... please... just... don't hate me," she said, burying her face in the pillow to stifle her cries.

Tegan move her hand to touch her sister head, locking a strand of hair behind her ear. She felt her sister shiver under her touch.

"There no way I could ever hate you... Sara... no matter what," she said softly into her ear.  
"And never say never," she said. Sara could feel her sister smile.  
"What?" Sara asked.  
"Turn," Tegan asked to Sara, and she did. They were facing each other now. Their heads just inches apart.  
"Listen, I ran away not because I felt bad, I ran away because I never felt like that before. I was scared. I was scared because I was so sure I'd felt love before and suddenly you were showing me something so powerful that I never thought it could exist. I feel so stupid I ran away from you. But the truth is that I never thought you could be the one to make me feel like that. It scared me because you are my sister, you are the thing that matter most in my life, you are the one with whom I could never live without. I felt so guilty because I understood that I was the cause of your pain. And now I feel so stupid and guilty because I know that running away from you I hurt you again like no one ever did before. And when I heard you I just wanted to die. I'm so sorry to being so stupid," she spilled all out in one breath, afraid to break down if she just attempted to breathe. Her face was red, her heart was running so fast that she was sure Sara could hear it. Sara was looking at her into her eyes. For a minute Sara didn't say a thing.  
"Your stupidity is one of the things that made me fall," Sara said. Tegan looked at her shocked for a moment. Then they both laughed loud. When they were calm again, Tegan wiped the tears from Sara's eyes with her thumb.  
"What else?" she asked, grinning. The tension was fading away. Sara was serious again.  
"Your big and warm heart," she said, softly touching Tegan chest with her hand, feeling the beats of her heart.  
"Your beautiful mind," she continued, kissing her sister forehead.  
"Your amazing eyes," she said, looking at her intensely, "they are so deep that sometimes I swear I'm sure I could see your soul trough them. And I know there is no other place where I would happily lose myself," she added, as her lips gently touched Tegan eye shield, wiping some of the salty residue Tegan's tears left there.  
"And your mouth," Sara was looking at her sister lips now, "capable to give voice to some of the most stupid things I've ever heard," she said smiling, and Tegan giggled with her, "and the most intense and sweet words anyone could ever dream to hear," she said, her fingers were now tracing Tegan's lips, sending shocks to the core of the both of them.  
"And those lips, the most beautiful and sexy, and desirable lips I've ever seen. The lips whose taste and softness I dreamed about for so long, the lips I wanted that much to feel that everything ached inside of me," she said, looking Tegan in the eyes again.  
"You don't need to dream it anymore," Tegan said, she looked at Sara's lips for a moment before look at her again in her eyes.

They both smiled, leaning in. They closed their eyes as they lips touched again. The kiss started slowly, they both just enjoying the perfection of their lips locked together, they massaged one another lips. Sara's hand moved to the back of Tegan's neck, pulling her closer. Tegan caressed Sara's lips with the tip of her tongue, not wanting to force her, but asking her for something more. Sara parted her lips a little, and Tegan's tongue traced her lips. She felt the tip of Sara's tongue teasing her. They both smiled for a moment before Sara let her sister tongue slip gently into her mouth. Their tongue dancing together, as they were made just for that.


End file.
